The Budgeting Battle
As the year comes to an end, I almost always find myself getting tired of being on top of my money game. I’m over keeping tabs on finances and maybe I skip my monthly accounting date, saying that I’ll get to it next month. I then watch as I hold my breath and look the other way while I pay for a new pair of pants or go out to eat what I probably know is one too many times this week.
But once the dopamine wears off from feeling sharp in my new black jeans or the delight of that delicious sandwich, I’m immediately hit with the anxiety about whether I really have enough to be “indulging” in these things. Right behind that feeling is the drill sergeant, ready to get me back in line and get rid of that anxiety: “We will restrict all unnecessary spending (which, by the way, is anything other than what you need to stay alive)! You will adhere to the budget I make, since you obviously can’t be trusted. No fun! Only being good!”
I sit down to my spreadsheets and hash out the numbers with myself. I put the necessary restrictions in place and feel safer and satisfied.
But a few days later, once the dopamine hit from my newfound feeling of control over my money wears off, I start to get an itch for something that feels more free and fun. I think about the update I want to do to my wardrobe, the piano lessons I want to invest in for myself. I also remember all of the things that would be nice to have for work that didn’t make it into the very tight budget that the drill sergeant made (like a bag that will actually hold all the stuff I need on my daily commute, perhaps…). I see myself with that sweet professional bag, cruising around the city in my new outfit, practicing a new piano song in my head…
Then predictably enters the anxiety that comes from wanting things that it feels like I can’t have because of my budget. These ready-to-spend parts step in to hold the drill sergeant hostage as I rush around trying to sneak whatever expenses in that I can before that restrictive part is able to break out and take over again.
The Discipline-Freedom Cycle
I imagine this kind of cycle is familiar to many people, though the extent to which the different parts dominate and how they show up is unique to each of us. It may be that some of us live in full-on drill sergeant mode 24/7 or that we live completely at the mercy of the parts of us that have a consequences-be-damned approach to spending. For most of us, though, there is a push-pull dynamic between them that can leave us at the least feeling some level of tension and anxiety around money. For others of us, it may feel more like complete panic or paralysis.
Perhaps you’re someone who has found a way to resolve this tension in a way that feels good to you right now. That might look like an internal coup that leaves one side fully in charge, a tentative truce between the parties, or a genuine compromise between them. But if you haven’t found a satisfying resolution to this tension, you’re not alone. Actually, in my experience, you’re in the majority. And the rest of this post is for you.
Who’s in charge?
Often when people speak about budgeting and managing finances, they speak to and from the perspective of the more financially restrictive parts of us that want to have more money, save money, budget better, etc. (i.e., the “drill sergeant”). At the same time they often shame, minimize, try to override, or simply placate the more spending-oriented parts. These less financially restrictive parts may have a desire to focus on enjoyment, resent the limitations of a budget, etc. (i.e., the part that wants fun and freedom, or the part that desires comfort).
For me, when I am feeling guilty or nervous about money or even just want to address it, those restrictive parts are the ones I follow and I look for resources that validate them. As in the example above, I start to hear the drill sergeant in my head that tells me to cut out unnecessary spending, that I don’t need xyz, however much I might want it. The attitude is “safety first,” and this part seeks confirmation in blogs or podcasts about budgeting. That includes filtering out anything that might suggest putting space for fun or comfort into the budget unless it means containing those “impulses.”
In my experience, much of the air time that is given to making space for fun or comfort is also framed as a kind of concession, rather than as a way of truly honoring important parts of being human. It’s almost included as a way to placate those spending-oriented parts - to contain them and keep them from ruining the alleged main point of budgeting, which is to save and not overspend. And even on the off-chance that these less restrictive parts are actually validated, when I’m relating to money just from the more restrictive ones, it doesn’t integrate.
The problem, though, is that it takes an immense amount of energy to keep those less restrictive parts contained.
It’s important to note the other extreme, though, that focuses purely on having an abundance mindset and ideas such as the law of attraction. This perspective often overrides and diminishes the more restrictive parts of us, making them seem archaic and unnecessary. This perspective might invite us to trust the universe and let go of the control, blaming the more security-oriented parts for the sense of lack. The idea here is often to “follow our bliss” and not let ourselves be limited by the fears we might have around not having enough.
If you’re a person who is more driven by the parts that want pure freedom and no restriction, this is going to be appealing to you. However, my guess is that it actually takes a lot of work to keep the parts that want financial stability at bay, whether that work is conscious or not.
So what’s actually going on?
What if both the more restrictive and less restrictive parts actually did really important things for us? What if they were both seeking to meet valid human needs and wants, and they could actually be more effective when they collaborate?
If you’re reading this just from the perspective of the restrictive parts (as I often am!), then this could feel like blasphemy.
And if you’re reading this hoping that I’m just going to indulge the less restrictive parts (which can also be true for me, depending on the day), then this is likely going to be a disappointment.
My proposal is this:
What if we saw money as a resource that could be used to attend to all of these parts - that they are all equally valid and deserving of these resources?
The seemingly restrictive parts aren’t only about “being good” or keeping our impulses in line. At their core, the intention isn’t to restrict. They usually long to simply feel safe enough, to feel grounded and a sense of enoughness. Restricting is simply the means by which they try to get that need met. It’s really important to note that when I’m really in a pinch, this drill sergeant part does an amazing job of keeping me in line and has saved my ass on a number of occasions.
The parts that are more trigger-happy with money aren’t just careless or frivolous, and they don’t just want to escape from stress or ignore the often real limitations we face. They care about experiencing joy and fulfillment and reaping the rewards for all of the work we do, but also relishing in the experiences of ease and fun that simply makes life enjoyable. For these parts, spending money is simply a means by which these parts try to get those needs met. It is thanks to these parts that I have had so many adventures in my life, as well as a number of delicious chocolate bars.
And what do we do about it?
And where does this leave me as the end of the year continues to close in on my financially-exhausted brain?
I sit down with the less restrictive parts and appreciate them for the message they are trying to send me: “You need to have some fun, feel some joy, take a break, feel good - don’t let this time pass you by without enjoying it!” I thank them for trying to do that for me, and I let them know that I will keep that in mind as we figure out how to approach the next few months. I also assure them that allowing the more restrictive parts to have some air time doesn’t mean that there will be no fun - it will just allow for the fun to be ultimately less anxiety-producing.
I then sit down with the more restrictive parts of me and apologize for not keeping them at the front of my awareness. Like with the other parts, I also communicate my appreciation for the message they are trying to send me: “Let’s make sure we’re safe as we come to the end of the year, that there is enough for holiday gifts, that we start the year feeling resourced rather than stretched!” I help these restrictive parts to see that the less restrictive parts won’t just take all of the money if we let them participate in the budgeting process - they will simply allow for us to enjoy the money we’ve earned in a way that’s less anxiety-producing.
I then bring both of them to the table as I open my spreadsheets, making sure that they both have a say in how the finances are laid out. I allow the more restrictive parts to make sure all of the basic needs are met and to have a margin for error. I also ask the less restrictive parts to prioritize what would feel the most fulfilling and meaningful, and I make that an integral part of the budget rather than just something that we’ll get to if we can.
It’s not a perfect process, and there are always bumps in the road - but each time I find a way to get these parts to collaborate, they build a deeper trust in one another and in me, and it becomes easier and easier to move through the inevitable money stress that we all face.
Want to end the war?
If you’re interested in using this approach to working with your relationship with money or any other internal battles you’re facing, I invite you to schedule a discovery session and see if we’re a good fit.