My Relationship to Money: Where do I even start?
When we think about money, often we feel torn. On the one hand, I want to save, but I also want to spend. I want to have a job that makes a good amount of money, and I also want to do something that I love that might make so much money, at least not right away. I want to believe that there is an abundance of resources available, but I also want to be smart and not take too big of a risk.
There isn’t just one thing we feel or think about money. And that’s often where we get stuck. Which part of me do I listen to?
What I love about parts work is that it honors and works with all of these parts rather than pressuring us to choose between them. There are different kinds of parts that come up around money. There are the parts of us that carry deep, often uncomfortable or painful feelings that we generally try to ignore, get rid of, or overcome somehow (exiled parts). Then there are the parts of us that take charge of doing just that - they end up either pushing down the difficult feeling when it comes up, or they try to create a life in which we never have to experience those feelings (protector parts).
Below I lay out some of the kinds of parts or “modes” you might find yourself in when it comes to money. It isn’t a definitive list, but the idea is to get you thinking about your own.
Who is talking?
Exiled parts: Beliefs and feelings that inform the ways in which we relate to money, because they are what we fight against or listen to and believe. These parts might carry feelings or beliefs of:
uncertainty
scarcity
fraud
invisibility
lack of importance
lack of value
incapacity
inferiority
failure
anxiety
panic
Protector parts: Parts that act in ways with the intent to avoid exiled feelings. They are unique in each person, and each of us have various parts that show up around money. The pain related to money is often because of a fight between two polarized or seemingly opposite parts of us.
Parts that want to save
Wants to avoid uncertainty
Wants to avoid feelings of lack and to feel like there is enough
Parts that want to spend
Wants to enjoy right now, is focused more on the present rather than the future; may also want to regret
Fears that another time won’t come where it’s possible to enjoy things, that it’s unlikely for there to be enough resources in the future
Parts that have an aversion to putting effort into getting money
Banks on the idea that money will come with the right mindset; sometimes has a more spiritual approach to money that relies on an idea of abundance
Believes that money is something that one shouldn’t be worried about, that it isn’t important and doesn’t deserve time or attention
Believes that the effort isn’t worth it, that working hard won’t get the desired results and resigns itself to just living with what the person has
Fears that if the person were to actually put work into making money, that they would find out that they really are incapable or a fraud, that they would fail; takes an attitude of “better not to try and fail”
Holds the acknowledgement that rest is really necessary, and can come in when it detects that the person doesn’t have enough resources to work; recognizes the need for balance
Parts that want to be making more money, that like and support making an effort to do so
Believes that money reflects a person’s value and has a need to achieve a certain status
Sees money as more reliable than people in terms of providing security and support; can be related to desire or need to feel independent
Uses money as a way to care for others, to provide safety and support and maintain connections
Fears uncertainty and recognizes the possibility that money could run out or unexpected expenses might come up; based in feeling a lack of security
Parts that “space out” when it comes to money
Refuses to look at the bank account and simply hopes that things will pan out; doesn’t feel able to handle the internal tension that comes up around money
Does not want plan or make a budget as a way to keep the issue distant; doesn’t believe the person has the skills to manage their money
The First Step
Once we know the lay of the land internally, we can start sitting down at the table with all of them when we are making decisions about a job or our budgets. I literally imagine that I’m meeting with these parts, and I ask them to weigh in on whether or not to make a purchase, what I prioritize in my budget, or whether I should take a certain work opportunity.
It is only when we actually take each of these parts into consideration that we are able to make decisions that we genuinely feel good about. In my experience, it can almost completely do away with the regret that might come if I made a decision without consulting two conflicting parts. For example, if I make a decision that might jeaopardize my financial safety in order to prioritize my desire to enjoy life, or if I continue a habit of postponing my joy in order to avoid any and all risk. The part that is repressed will inevitably create internal stress in its attempt to be heard.
So my take is: let´s save time by listening to all of these parts from the get-go, even if it seems like we’re going too slow or going backwards.
Want to take the next step?
If you’re interested in using this approach to working with your relationship with money or any other internal battles you’re facing, I invite you to schedule a discovery session and see if we’re a good fit.