Mirrors, Maps, & Mentors: How to Get the Most from Self-Help Books

TraumaMindfulness
Written By Virginia Jenkins

Seeing Myself

I will never forget the feeling of being 12 years old in a corner of the middle school library, tearing through pages that met a need I didn’t even know I had. While I don’t remember how I ended up with the book, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul was the first real mirror I had for my internal world. The collection of real-life stories lived up to its title, giving me the warm, overflowing sense of recognition that I would become familiar with over years of reading personal growth and self-help books.

Given how strongly that first book resonated with me, it’s kind of surprising that I didn’t see then the therapist I would grow up to be. But at that point, my foray into the less-talked-about aspects of the human experience wasn’t about me supporting other people. It was about me getting the support that I so desperately needed. It was about making sense of what was happening inside of me and in my life.

Many of us who have had challenging upbringings often seek refuge in what Peter Walker describes as “the community of books.” Just like he describes in his own book about complex trauma, books can give us enough safety to start to see ourselves and the world in new ways. And that was exactly my experience. It was safer for me to see myself more fully in a book than to have to navigate the complexity of a real-life human.

The Magic of Maps

Once I got into high school, the Chicken Soup books faded into the background as I got swept into the immense stresses of my life at that time. It wasn’t until about six years later that the next self-help book I would ever read made it into my hands.

It was a sweaty-hot August day at the end of my first summer working full-time on a farm, just a week before I would turn 20. After some challenges with my coworkers and a whole summer of getting to know me in close quarters, one of the farm owners gifted me “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. The book came gently (but pointedly) wrapped in the suggestion that I also look into therapy, alongside the recognition that I might not yet be totally ready to take in the book until after I had a few sessions under my belt.

After six months of therapy and with a little more internal space, I was inspired to pull out the book. Within three pages, I was transported back to that wide-eyed middle schooler - completely enthralled that anyone could put words to any aspect of my internal landscape, which seemed to be such a mystery to everyone in my life up until that point.

But this time the book wasn’t just a mirror. It was also a map, showing me paths forward that I had only just started to know exist through my time in therapy. The difference was that I could pull this map out at any time and it wasn’t just restricted to the weekly hour in my therapist’s office.

Finding My Own Way

As the years went on and I continued to plough my way through personal growth and self-help books, I started to feel some confusion. The more I read, the more I came into contact with the multiplicity of different perspectives, including the ways they conflicted with one another.

At first this felt stressful. Which was the right map? Who should I believe? Do I need to transcend my ego and become pure being-ness? Or do I need to treat my mundane life as the sacred path with my ego as a helpful companion along the way? Do I put myself aside to support others? Do I put myself first?

I also noticed that some of the maps integrated seamlessly into my life while others seemed to miss the mark.

But over time, I have learned how to discern between what resonates with me, what doesn’t, and where the jury is still out. I started to bring in a healthy doubt as I continued to read, right alongside my curiosity. Rather than blindly following whatever path they laid out, I started using these books as reference points for making my own maps, taking what I liked and leaving the rest.

By the same token, I also learned not to just throw out a particular map because it challenges me in some way. I explore what’s going on when I feel stuck or resistant as I’m reading, letting that deepen both my growth and my discernment.

My Council of Mentors

I will never forget the four days I spent in vigil as my grandmother went through her process of dying. When I knew that I was flying across the country to say goodbye to the woman who had such a huge (albeit complicated) hand in raising me, I knew that I needed the steadiness of a reliable companion. One that I could count on to guide me back to myself and to stay connected to all that is bigger than myself, to support me in supporting her move on to whatever was next.

I immediately knew who that companion would be: my well-loved copy of True Refuge by Tara Brach. I had already read that book more times than I could count. And that was the point. I knew I could rely on Tara’s words to reflect back my experience and add another piece to my map, helping me to move through the completely uncharted territory of death and loss.

Over the years I have built a collection of these books, which serve me as mentors that I come back to over and over again throughout the years. They are the ones that have stood the test of time and that I continue to reach for as old, trusted advisors when I’m feeling disconnected or when times get dark or difficult.

Getting the Most out of Self-Help Books

When I first started my journey into the realm of self-help and personal growth books, every page was like a drop of water in the desert. I honestly didn’t question much (if any) of what I took in because I was so desperate for something to help me make sense of and navigate my life. So if it resonated enough, I took it in without much thought.

When I started to notice that the mirror seemed to not have the clearest reflection or the map didn’t quite match the terrain of my own life, I tended to doubt my own experience and blame myself. Maybe it was my lack of discipline or childhood trauma that was getting in the way - that’s why I couldn’t just see myself as a badass or get myself to meditate an hour every day.

But this is the same self-blame and self-doubt that we might have had as a kid when the mirrors and maps that our parents or caregivers gave to us didn’t fit or feel good.

As I built more confidence in my own experience of myself (and coincidentally began to heal the self-blame and self-doubt from my childhood), I began to engage with these books more critically. Rather than simply taking everything I read as the one and only truth, I started to see each book as offering me something that I could either take or leave. I began to question what I was reading, to see how it felt against my own lived experience, and to experiment with the ideas and practices they offered.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to get the most out of your reading:

When reading a new book:

  • How do I see myself reflected in this?

  • Where does it miss the mark?

  • What parts of the path or map presented here make sense?

  • What parts do I feel hesitant/doubtful about?

  • Is there anything else I’ve read that came to mind as I was reading this?

  • How does it compare?

When rereading a book:

  • What new angles do I see this from at this point in my life?

  • What has changed between now and then?

  • What does the guidance in this book mean for me now?

When you feel stuck trying to apply what you’re reading:

  • What is my motivation hoping to get/feel/experience by implementing or applying what I’ve read? What is it trying to get away from or change?

  • What is my resistance trying to avoid by not implementing/applying it? And what is it trying to move towards?

  • What is the story my judgement tells about me when I feel stuck here?

If you want to get more support around getting unstuck, check out The Resistance Reframe.

Book Recommendations

After many years of piecing together my own mirrors and maps and with the perspective of more than 10 years as a trauma therapist, there are many books I’ve read along the way that I wouldn’t necessarily recommend. Even so, each book was another step into a whole world of resources and support and will always form part of the ocean of personal growth and self-awareness that they allowed me to access.

The books I recommend below come from my personal “council of mentors,” but always with the invitation to take what you read with a grain of salt. The books that serve as mentors for me may not provide you the same sense of solace and support as they do for me. So read critically and curiously and see what you find along the way.

Wherever possible, I have linked to the Backstory Bookshop store - an English-language bookstore here in Barcelona where I did a talk on this topic. They offer regular talks, reading circles, and other events to connect with fellow readers.

Want to explore working together?

If this approach to self-help and personal growth books resonates with you and you want to see if we’d be a good fit, you’re welcome to schedule a free 20-minute discovery call.

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Virginia Jenkins
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Healing Complex Trauma with Internal Family Systems (IFS)