What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)? Part I: The Parts of Us

IFS
Written By Guest User
 

“I am large.

I contain multitudes.”

-Walt Whitman

In a world where we are often instructed to “be our true selves” and to “be authentic,” we can often feel very lost when we look inside and notice that there is a lot going on in there. And that a lot of it is conflicting. There usually isn’t just one thing that we are nor one part of us that is more authentic than the other.

It can be completely true that I have the desire to stay in the city where I currently live but also feel pulled to move to a more quiet, rural area. I can want to go out with my friends tonight and also really like the idea of ordering delivery and watching Netflix.

No impulse is more true than the other, though I obviously can’t do two opposite things at once. It is true, though, that they both represent parts of me that are trying to meet needs that I have. Needs that can often seem mutually exclusive. Trying to navigate these internal conflicts - especially when we feel out of control of how we deal with them - is the source of much of our pain in life.

The fundamental goal of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach to therapy and coaching is to support you in being in relationship with all of these different aspects of who you are. The result of that relationship is an increased feeling of choice and agency in your life, particularly in the face of often-conflicting internal experiences. With IFS, you embody these qualities of choice and agency as you gain Self-leadership - the ability to be the leader of your internal world rather than feeling that you are stuck trying to control it or feeling controlled by it.

What IFS is not

Before we go any further, it’s important to note that the focus of this model of therapy and coaching is not directly on your family - at least not in the way that most people assume when they hear the name. And in case you've heard of the Family Constellations approach to therapy - no, it is not the same thing. Will we talk about your family in our work together? I mean, probably. It is internal work, after all. But no, that is not actually the primary focus of IFS.


The Internal Family

The actual primary focus of IFS is the “family” that lives inside of each of us (bear with me on this). We can often most easily identify different members of that “internal family” when we are conflicted about something, whether a job, a relationship, or even what to eat for dinner. Maybe there’s one part of us that is desperately bored by the 9-5 grind of our current job, while there is another part that values the financial stability that it brings. There might be yet another part that is attached to the social prestige of our role while there is another that is incredibly overwhelmed by the demands of our boss and so tries to be perfect. All of these different parts and their relationships to one another make up this internal family, with each member fundamentally focused on trying to take care of us or those we care about (which, many might argue, are one and the same).

While I might advocate for a different name for this model to avoid the kinds of confusions the current name brings up, IFS is built in part on the work of a family therapist named Richard Schwartz. When he began working with individuals in addition to the families they were a part of, he saw the same dynamics in the mind of one individual as he saw within a family made up of many individuals. The model’s name stems from the recognition that there is an internal system in each individual that runs parallel to the interpersonal system of a family.

As he started working more and more with individuals, he noticed that the same things he would do to help family members to communicate, connect, and solve problems could actually be used internally between the parts of a person. Facilitating communication with and between these different parts could diffuse internal tensions that kept someone stuck in painful behaviors and thought patterns and free them up to feel true freedom and choice in how they approached their lives.

What do we mean by “parts”?

For those who don’t resonate so much with the family metaphor, another that I find helpful is the idea of a team at work. Every team is made up of different members who each have their particular strengths, needs, wants, skills, etc. Without proper leadership, many times people can get caught up in pushing their own agenda. For example, one team member might be great at visioning and coming up with the big picture idea for a project while another team member is very aware of the budget and the financial limitations of the big vision. Without good leadership, it’s easy to see how these two people could become polarized and get stuck fighting with one another, grinding the project itself to a halt or pulling other team members into the fray.

Let’s imagine, though, that the team does have a good manager - someone who is able to see, value, and nurture the strengths of both of these team members. The manager supports the goal of the “visionary” by giving them space and time to flesh out the different ideas they have and make space to present them to the team. The more thrifty team member would be supported by being in charge of the cost/benefit analysis of the different ideas and ways to improve efficiency with how they are executed.

As a result, both of these people could then feel that they matter and become more able and willing to work together, seeing how the vision might be sculpted to fit the budget and how the budget might be worked with to maximize the scope of the project. When team members feel intrinsically valued and supported, they no longer feel the need as intensely to compete. When their needs and desires are connected to the needs and desires of the team, they become more intrinsically motivated to collaborate. 

Turning Inward

Let’s take this idea internally with the example of the tension between a part of me that might hate the 9-5 grind and another part that values the financial safety that a 9-5 job gives me. Without the ability to hold and listen to both of these parts, I might get stuck going back and forth between whether I stay in the job or leave it, making endless pros-and-cons lists, scrolling LinkedIn for jobs I never apply for, give myself pep talks about how I can use my free time for enjoyment, etc.

However, what might happen if I were to introduce an internal leader who can legitimately validate the needs behind each of these parts of me? On the one hand, maybe the first part has a need for meaning and purpose; and on the other, maybe the second has a need for safety around meeting my basic needs. When I can take a step back and genuinely hear the underlying needs of each part without making them compete inside of me for my attention, it opens up the possibility for a truce.

From there, I can explore what burdens and responsibilities each part is carrying in my life and how I can support them both in taking care of those without having to just choose one over the other. Maybe with that clarity I honor the part that wants meaning by making the choice to find a more flexible job that gives me more space to pursue what I care about, and (this is the key) I also make a plan that provides me with financial stability in the meantime. Or maybe I stay in the same job, but I commit to taking all of my paid vacation time and I start up a side hustle that could eventually transition me out of the 9-5 grind. Either way, both parts get a seat at the table.


Too Good to be True?

I get that it can sound a bit utopic, whether we’re talking about a team that genuinely works together or feeling internally cohesive about a life decision.

And. My guess is that we’ve all had some version of this genuinely collaborative experience, whether in a job, in our family, or within our friendships and relationships. We may also have experienced this internally when we’ve made difficult decisions that we genuinely didn’t regret, even if everything didn’t go according to plan.

The key here is that it isn’t about the experience of collaboration being rainbows and butterflies or that every person or part of us getting exactly what they want. It’s about the willingness to come together, including to make sacrifices at times, and to not have any part’s sense of worth, value, or importance threatened. It might even involve a recognition that all parties mutually benefit in ways that they otherwise wouldn’t have without coming together.

All Parts are Needed, and They All Need You

Unlike members of a team at work, no part of us can be fired or laid off. In fact, IFS proposes that these parts are not only valuable, but are actually a necessary and inherent aspect of being human. It is when these vital parts of us feel truly, completely, and genuinely valued and seen for who they are and what they offer, it is actually inevitable that they will work together.

This is the proposition, at least, and something that I’ve seen often enough in myself and in others to know it to be true - even if that feels impossible from where you’re standing.

But there are two caveats that will maybe bring this all down to earth:

  • It’s important to note that “fake it till you make it” does not apply here. We cannot force our internal relationships the same way that we can’t force people to work together on a team. I can come up with a great theoretical compromise, but if it isn’t genuine and there isn’t internal consent, it isn’t going to happen. Parts coming together is a result of real internal trust.

  • There’s a difference between the intention of a part and the means by which it tries to achieve that intention (example: my intention is to get someone’s attention, but I might use icing them out as the means to try to get it). Given that, there is also often a difference between the intention of a part and the outcome (example: icing someone out can have the unintended consequence of pushing them away rather than getting their attention).

While there is so much more to say about parts… The good news is that you already have everything you need to be able to be the internal leader that they need - the one that can be patient enough not to force a connection and have clarity enough to separate the intention from the means. You are intrinsically capable of offering validation and appreciation for everything your parts do for you and to support them as they find more effective means. This internal relationship is what opens the way for greater ease and choice in your life.

A therapist or coach is just here to facilitate that process.

So then if this is true - what does being that leader mean and how do we bring forward that capacity inside of ourselves?

Read on to Part II to understand who that internal leader is and how we can access it to give a break to our overwhelmed parts.

Interested in parts work?

If this approach resonates for you and you’d like to explore your options for working with me, please book a discovery call.

If you would like to learn more about IFS and parts work, please see the references below. The information in this post is based on my learnings in IFS trainings as well as these resources.

References:

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