What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)? Part II: Self & Self-Leadership

Most of us come to therapy or coaching with the goal of feeling better, reducing negative habits, healing trauma, etc.

The good news is that all of that is possible.

But. It isn’t possible in the ways we usually try to get there, which is some version of waging a war on the parts of us we think are “problems” and trying to control or get rid of them.

That isn’t the goal in IFS.

As I mentioned in the last post, we can’t get rid of parts of us even if we wanted to. And I recommend that you take with a grain of salt any therapy or coaching work that says otherwise.

The really, really good news is that the actual goal of IFS therapy is to develop strong internal relationships between your parts and your Self - to have internal Self-Leadership. And that is infinitely doable. All of those other things we are usually seeking in this kind of personal work - feeling more calm, drinking less, etc. - are actually just the natural outcomes of having built and nurtured those internal relationships.

What is Self?

In IFS, the Self refers to that intrinsic aspect of each of us that, when consciously present, is experienced as a compassionate, understanding, (yet well-boundaried) internal leader in relationship to our parts. It is described as embodying the 8 C’s: compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, confidence, courage, and connectedness. These are the qualities that are revealed when our parts relax back from doing their jobs, but that are always there, regardless of whether we are in touch with them.

We are directly in touch with Self when we have a deep sense of “feeling like myself,” such as when we’re watching a beautiful sunset, in the flow of a workout, or feel a genuine gratitude for life as we drink our morning coffee. We’re connected to Self when we know with a calm clarity what we need to do in a given moment or when someone is (or isn’t) the right person for us. I most clearly know that I’m connected to Self when I have a moment of knowing, “I’m truly okay.” Even when there are objectively not okay things going on.

Many approaches to therapy and spirituality have comparable concepts, including the “wise mind” of DBT or the idea of “basic goodness” in certain Buddhist traditions. The key here is that the Self is inherent in everyone and the qualities that what it does for us is not “better” than what our parts do.

This is not another version of the idea that the ego vs. the true self. In that conception of our inner worlds, the ego (often compared to the parts in IFS) is considered a false version of ourselves and needs to be subdued or overcome by some “higher/true self” for us to self-actualize. 

In IFS, Self is not superior to the parts and it doesn't dominate or control them. It’s also not more truly who we are than our parts are. Self simply serves a different function than the parts. But all of it is necessary.

The Relationship Between Self and Parts in IFS

Our parts are like the parts of our body. The lungs are separate and discrete from our heart. The same with our bones, veins, muscles, and tendons. Each of these do very specific and important things for us on their own. But there is something that binds them together, which is the force of our aliveness that moves through our nervous system - the literal electricity that keeps everything doing what it’s supposed to do. We can’t say that this force is more or less important than any other individual part of our body. For example, we wouldn’t get far without our brain or our ligaments. But that binding force does something very different for us than any one part of our body does. And we wouldn’t get far without that animating force, either.

That force, in a way, can be likened to Self. It is Self that gathers and responds to our parts’ communication, supporting and bringing together our parts so that they can work harmoniously. And just like sometimes certain aspects of our bodies are called to work more or less in response to our environment or tasks (i.e., speeding up our heart rate when we are exercising or bringing us into a restful state so that we are able to digest our food), the same happens with the Self and our parts. It is the Self that can support us in discerning how to bring into balance the different needs of each part, including when to prioritize one or the other without ever losing sight of the fact that we need all of them.

While I know some in the IFS world might argue to the contrary, my personal and professional experience is that Self is an active and engaged leader. It is Self that actually asks parts if they are willing to give some space, that invites others to come forward, that supports parts to hear and collaborate with one another. Self can’t make any individual part do anything, but it can make invitations, ask questions, and engage with the aspects of our internal experience that in my experience with meditation I only felt able to (powerlessly) observe.

Why aren’t we always already connected to Self? (Hardware vs. Software)

The key to IFS is that Self is intrinsic and you don’t have to “cultivate” it, but rather it is revealed and accessed naturally as trust is built within the system. But if that’s the case, then we might ask ourselves why it is seemingly so hard to connect with the Self. And why parts (at times, pretty intensely) resist even the idea of the Self.

The overall lack of trust in Self is usually because we were never shown it enough to fully know that it even exists, let alone that it’s an intrinsic aspect of our nature. Maybe we’ve never seen it reliably in action in ourselves or in others. Or maybe when we have seen it in others, we’ve believed or been told that it is out of reach for us - that those people who possess confidence, calm, creativity, or any of the other aspects of Self simply have something that we don’t. On top of that is the belief that “getting” or “cultivating” the Self is some huge ordeal.

It is a foundational belief in the lack or absence of Self that fuels so much of the hesitance of the parts to trust the Self. Because what if we try to connect with it and it turns out that it actually isn’t there?

But what if it was there all along? Just covered up?

It’s like the team manager that I talked about in the previous post had always been in the building, but the elevator doors were never programmed to open on the floor of the building where all of the parts have been working without a leader.

Given that Self is an intrinsic aspect of all humans, you could say that we all have the hardware of Self. Self is in the building. The ability to reliably and regularly connect with it, though, depends on internal relationships that may not have ever been fully developed. This is where the software comes in, letting that elevator door open on the floor that it was always supposed to so that the Self can actually directly be in relationship with the parts.

How do we build trust in our Self?

In the early stages of our development, before we are adults, it is ideally our caregivers’ job to “install the software” by helping us know that the Self is an intrinsic aspect of who we are and to facilitate our connection to it.

They do that first by modeling Self themselves in relationship to their own parts. They take a breath when a part of them gets stressed in traffic and wants to yell at the other drivers. They apologize when a part of them takes over and gets short with us for not tying our shoes fast enough. They make time to take care of the needs of their parts by doing things they enjoy, connecting with friends, taking time alone, etc.

In short - they show us that they are responsible and accountable for their own lives, including all of their emotions. When they do that, we (however unconsciously) start to imitate them and do the same for ourselves.

They also support us to access our own Self more directly in three ways:

1. Responding to the actions of our parts from their Self and guiding us to do the same: For example, maybe we are doing homework a part of us comes in that freezes in response to not knowing how to do the math problem. Our caregiver might empathize with why it makes sense to freeze and shut down. They then might help us explore what we need to move forward with the homework and help us identify some next steps - having us shake off the frozen feeling and then go back to our notes and see what we need to understand better.

2. Reflecting back our Self (aka our basic goodness): They tell us they love us, especially in moments where nothing particularly good is happening or when we’re in a hard place. They assume positive intent, even (and especially) when we’ve messed up. In big and little ways, they let us know that we are intrinsically good and inherently possess the 8 C’s of Self.

3. Helping us to build the skill of connecting and staying connected with our Self:  This can show up as encouraging positive self-reflection, helping us to see where we have been creative or courageous. It might also be ways to create spaces to slow down and feel/recognize that goodness inside of ourselves.

Because so many of us aren’t raised like this, with a relationship to Self, we make the mistake of thinking that our disconnection from Self is a hardware issue rather than a software issue. We often write ourselves off as irreversibly damaged or lacking. Then we make the solution about obtaining the hardware (taking on the project of creating a Self) rather than focusing on installing the software (entering the process of uncovering and integratingthe Self).

Fortunately, our parents aren’t the sole source of the software. Whether it is spiritual practices (like meditation), therapeutic approaches, or simply learning through our direct lived experience, we have infinite opportunities to access and install that software throughout our adult lives.

Practically all of what we do in IFS is simply to facilitate accessing the Self and then bringing it into relationship with the parts. That facilitation installs the software for connecting to Self, first showing you that the pathway exists and then secondly, repeatedly walking it until it is more and more easily accessible and can even become the default.

Why do we resist building trust in our Self?

Let’s go back to that metaphorical work team from Part 1 and suppose that there has been no manager to guide and support the parts for years. Like - a lifetime’s worth of years. In the wake of this power vacuum, each of the team members has then taken on some kind of role in order to do their best to handle the workload, regardless of how well (or not) the results have turned out, and without someone to hold the overall vision and guide the way towards it.

Maybe you have one person who tries to act as the team dictator, trying to control all of the others so that they don’t get out of line. You have another team member that has been trying so hard to be perfect so that nothing goes wrong and is burned out from never getting a break. Someone else tries to distract everyone and get them to actually take a break so that they get some rest. You have another that has been dreaming up all of the things that could go wrong with the project and how it could fail in order to try to avoid them. And the list goes on.

Now a manager steps out of the elevator, seemingly out of the blue. They come in and say, “Hey, you don’t have to do it this way anymore! I’m here to help!” How much do you think these team members are going to trust this new person?

Perhaps some of the people are scared that they will be told to stop doing their job. That the need that they are meeting by doing things the way they’ve always done them is going to get neglected. There is also likely some fear that this delicate balance is going to completely fall apart and devolve into chaos. Maybe there is also just a complete disbelief that it could be any different than it is.

Another important factor could be resentment that it took so long for someone to come along and take responsibility for the team. The only reason that each team member has their extreme role is because of the perceived neglect of whoever was supposed to be the original manager - the person who theoretically would have originally given them guidance and support, but never showed. And while the parts did what they needed to try and take care of us in the absence of Self, they are often aware that it came at a great cost (like stress-related health issues or loneliness from pushing away people in our lives). This kind of wound can lead to experiencing the presence of Self as a reminder of what they never had.

Building Trust Takes Time

It always takes time to build trust. Including internally.

As simple as the analogy of installing software or the team manager might sound, often we also have parts of us who don’t want to wait anymore and feel that they don’t have the patience for the process.

Which makes sense.

After all, we’ve “gotten through” using all of our defenses and coping mechanisms developed by our parts up until this point.

But by the time we’re looking for help, it’s because we know something is off. Perhaps it’s become clear that the ways we’ve “gotten through” aren't working  as well as they used to. Or the negative impacts of the ways that we have tried to “get through” are outweighing the benefits. Or we can see that in the long run it’s not going to end well if we keep going down the path we’re on.

That’s where a coach or therapist comes in. As described earlier, the role of the coach/therapist is to facilitate that relationship between the Self and the parts of you that have been working so hard to take care of you. It is the Self that was always meant to be the supportive organizing force that allows each part to do what it was always meant to do in ways that are truly effective.

But it is only natural that the parts would have concerns and need support in addressing them as they come in contact with Self. It is by actually slowing down and taking that time to address those concerns (and not pushing them) that we actually build that trust.

There is no shortcut.

As we say in IFS, we have to slow down to speed up.

But once that foundation of trust is built, there is a sturdiness and solidity to our healing and integration that we can relax into. Self proves itself to be the reliable leader that can support the work of the team to be far greater than the sum of the parts.

It is that Self-leadership and the trusting relationships it builds within you that is the ongoing goal of IFS. The goal that is achievable and leads to the outcomes that we are longing for when we start this process.

Curious to learn more about Self-leadership?

You are welcome to contact me directly or book a discovery call to see if it is a good fit.